Monday, August 17, 2009

No More

1 March 2009

Reflections during the ILC:
Honestly, my reasons of going to the ILC are less than noble.

1. I just wanted to take a break.
2. I wouldn’t want to miss out on all the fun if I don’t join.
3. The fare was cheap, so I should book asap. I’ll think about my schedule later.

These were flimsy excuses, but reasons nonetheless. February came and I found myself trying very hard to arrange my schedule.

I was reminded that I’ve been neglecting my relationship with Him for the longest time. At first, I thought it was okay. I’m sure the Lord would understand. You see, I’m very busy with my work and lost school life. Basta, I’ll make it up to Him one of these days. I didn’t realize that the distance has grown wider. I needed to go back to that inner sanctuary where I can be with Him, talk to Him freely, worship Him, thank Him.
When I worship, I keep this image of a small stream, amidst a grassy field, with a leafy tree beside it. We’d be watching the sunrise together. That is my ultimate idea of Heaven.

Ps. 1:3 He is like a tree beside a brook producing its fruit in due season, its leaves never withering.

I’ve grown tired of going through the motions. I need to experience Him again. I thought I would experience it during the ILC. But the Lord wanted me to learn another lesson. I should never wait for a spectacular event, or a miracle, or a life-changing moment to go back to His presence. I have to make a conscious effort to experience Him in my daily prayer time, through the Bible scriptures, the commentaries, even during my daily commute.

I realized my shortcomings. I still shy away from the challenge of boldly proclaiming God’s word. As talkative as I am, I am not very vocal about expressing my beliefs (my close friends can attest to this.) I’m afraid of being judged. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I’m pressured to exude that aura of independence and strength – so as not to appear vulnerable. I know that these are cowardly reasons for not proclaiming God’s love. But I’ve been using this for the past years. I realize now that this is precisely the challenge that I have to overcome. This has been the devil’s subtle way of hindering me from following God’s way. Now I say, no more! I need to go over that hump. God’s love is like an ever-consuming fire within me which I have to share (or else I’ll burst) so that God can bless other people through me. This should be my ultimate battlecry! 

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